I sit at the fire pit where I first met him. The magic that night undeniable. There is no such magic tonight. I give a big smile to the flames and the memory and wonder why love disappears.
The asking takes me back to Bali. Why is not a spiritual question Laura, my healer reminds me.
For certain.
Flames reflect in the empty glasses friends drank from while chatting and flirting. Empty Glass the name of one of his favorite albums.
The man I thought he was would never hurt me in this way. I try to shrug off memories of what never was by admiring beautiful, wide-eyed young couples and say a silent prayer. Lord, watch over them so they never wake up wondering where a lifetime of their love went. As well as their youth.
What to do with the truth?
Perhaps it would have been better to sit at the edge of the Grand Canyon with a paper bag over my head. Denial has its place.
But, no. I was given life to live it. To risk, to love fully, to experience pleasure and pain and live authentically. In the firelight I find I’ve not only survived, I’ve thrived and discover I’m more thankful this Thanksgiving than any other.
In deep gratitude I give thanks for my strong, beautiful daughters, friends, a family which expanded this year to include people all over the world, the grace of God, my trust in the unknown, faith over fear, and wisdom which has given me peace.
A woman joins me at the fire pit. Asks where everyone went. Wonders if I’m alone.
I know now that I’m never alone, even when I appear to be.
She says she lost a diamond ring but “it’s no big deal.” With a laugh she says she’s also lost her husband.
I smile and mention that’s a bigger problem.
She says she isn’t worried.
She fans the fingers of her left hand and points to her ring finger to what she says is a four-carat diamond ring and adds of the two it’s “the ring that really matters.”
We search the sand beside the fire pit for her “no big deal” missing diamond ring. His words still so clear in my memory, I always took my ring off when I was with other women.
She gives up on the search and we say our goodbyes. And there’s this part of me that wants to find the ring she so easily gave up on.